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I was inspired to write this blog post by my latest guest on the Freedom Fridays Show, Karl Fryburg, who talked about “Tragedy to Triumph.”  He expressed the power of writing out your story after you’ve experienced tragedy.  Right after we aired the show, I went to a Celebration of Life for a Dear Friend and Prayer Warrior who was suddenly struck by a car as a pedestrian just the week before.  

You see, on my business building journey, most of my chaos was caused by tragedies, especially the illnesses and losses of loved ones.  Losses of loved ones were part of my life starting from when my Grandfather was murdered when I was 5 years old.  It made me fearful of people and death.  

After reflecting, I realized that death was also a reason why I left the government.  One colleague suddenly died of pancreatic cancer and another colleague’s 19-year-old son was killed in Iraq at war.  Travon Martin was murdered just 20 minutes away.  I wasn’t able to process death well and it was easier to flee.  This pattern also showed up in my intimate relationships.  It was safer to not to get too close, or something will happen.

I met my beloved husband while I was transitioning into higher education full-time.  My husband is a Purple Heart Marine Corps Veteran with two tours in Iraq/Afghanistan.  Military and combat trauma is at a whole new level than civilian trauma.  This is why we have more than 23 veterans committing suicide in America alone.

When I started my entrepreneurship journey after leaving higher education, I was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to take on the world.  Then, my husband had a heart attack. We are a blended family, and my stepson was 1.5 years old at the time.  I became a caregiver to him and my son.  I was fearful that something would happen again.  I started traveling and certifying coaches and the whole time on the road I was worried about what would happen to them.

Then, I got pregnant. It was exciting and depressing at the same time.  Since I was traveling, my husband thought I had cheated on him.  I got a big wave of mistrust, isolation, and silent treatment while I was pregnant with my first child.  Thankfully, I found an organization called the Mighty Oaks Foundation, which supports combat veterans and their families.  My husband went to the retreat, came back “healed”, then took off for 2 months when my daughter was 3 months old. When he returned, he rejected everything that he learned at the retreat.   

During this time, I leaned into my relationship with God even more and He led me to the people, places, and experiences needed to keep growing and shining in spite of my circumstances.  I continued on the mission field, even though my heart was heavy.  My heart and trust had been broken from my husband’s disengagement with me.  What’s worse was because of his past unresolved relationship trauma than from me in the present moment.  There was nothing to do, but continue to be the love and the Fruits of the Spirit (patience, joy, kindness, faithfulness, forgiveness, and self-control).

The damage and tragedy continued as both my husband and I lost loved ones.  My husband experienced three more heart attacks and each tragedy created a shadow over our home.  It also damaged our relationship and connection even more.  The pebbles of distrust expanded and became a mountain.  The mission grew and I started working smarter, being more present and available, while having detached empathy for the outcome.  God showed me how to be more aware and focused as well as how to let go of what’s not in my control.

Then Guess what?  I got pregnant again.  Since the trust challenge was not resolved, the same thing happened.  My husband thought I cheated again and he took off when I was 3 months pregnant with my second child.  This was a bigger blow for me, especially because it happened 9 days before I was to teach the Communication (Mind) Mastery Training and a month before the launching of my The Power of Coaching, Vol. 1 Book Collaboration.

Here’s the thing though: God had given me a heads up of what was going to happen 2 months beforehand so I could start my grieving process early.  He said, “It’s not about the Temporary, it’s about the Eternal.”  At this time, very few people knew what was going on.  My training was excellent and The Power of Coaching Book was a big hit, an International Best Seller in 3 countries!  The day that we launched the book was also the day that my last grandparent (Grandma) passed away.  And I said, here we go again. If I’m too successful, then someone will die or leave.  

My Grandma was also a Prayer Warrior.  The scripture she always reminded me of was, Proverbs 3: 5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

If I would have relied on my own understanding (thoughts and emotions), I would have never talked to my husband ever again.  I became a single mom to 2 girls, a 3 year old and an unborn.  I also have my business to manage and I felt like a fool to those that knew what had happened.  Although I wanted to hold on, God said it’s time to Let God. God knows what I’m called for and what I’m caught up in. I surrendered to let Him fight the battle happening that I cannot see.

My husband and I talked everyday (well after the first few weeks) while we were separated for 13 months.  Many of those days were tough and full of blessings.  Our family has been back together for the last 5 months now.  There were lessons and healings that had to be learned and processed so that we could both move forward in forgiveness of what was and gratitude of what is. It was A Fresh Start, and A New Beginning.  Most of the challenges came from our past and generational patterns that had to be brought to light.  If they stayed in the shadows, we would have never made it this far.  

In this journey, I learned just how much my thoughts, emotions, memories, and beliefs create my reality and how it’s essential to shift them to be more aligned with God’s vision of my life so that I can really appreciate the lives of others, including the ones that throw darts at me.  The darts that we throw at others are a reflection of the darts we throw at ourselves.  

I also learned how to take ownership of my unique worth, value, and the amazingness that I am. Then I’m able to better hold the space for myself, my family, and my world.  While we are still on the healing journey, now there is more expression, connection, and communication that there had ever been before.   I even see the transformation in my children, and the whole family is Lokahi (United).  It really started with me changing the pattern of my own understanding, working with God, and letting Him show me How to Rise and Shine In His Grace Anyway!  That’s why you didn’t really see what was happening behind the scenes because I was able to still show up.  His Grace is enough and it gives me the Courage to Continue.  

Only God knows what’s ahead and that’s just fine with me.  Here are the biggest realizations that supported me on this journey and hope it helps you too if you’re experiencing Chaos: